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oh, the joys of online dating, part II

Today you will come along with me as I review my Daily Matches.

Bachelor #1:
As if the scary scowl and facial hair weren’t enough to scare me away, he smokes daily and does Civil War Reinactments Who smokes? Who does Civil War Reinactments? Plus, he never drinks. How can you smoke and do Civil War Reinactments without drinking? At any rate, I need a drinker. I can’t go through life without drinking.And, his favorite thing is to “have my family with me no matter what we are doing.” Really? Like, even during sex? Does this mean you all sleep in the same bedroom too? Yuck.
Bachelor #2:
Aye, aye, Skipper. Something about this picture reminds me of Gilligan’s Island. He “expecially” likes Nascar, and is looking for his best friend. Well, I expecially don’t like Nascar, so it’s not going to be me.
Bachelor #3:
Ok, Romeo, are you trying to be cute with the fetching fist-to-the-chin gesture, or are you lining up to punch me? But, he’s a widower, and I always feel bad for those guys, so I cut him some slack, until I see that he’s 5’7. I’ll tower over him in heels; this will never work. Plus, I’ll never mean as much to him as his dead wife.
Bachelor #4:
“GETTING READY FOR CHURCH, WANNA JOIN ME?” screams the caption of this teeny tiny picture. The rest of his profile is also typed in screaming caps.My answer? NO!
Bachelor #5 has selected the box “heavyset”:
Why do I think heavyset people shouldn’t be allowed on dating sites. Why do I think heavyset people can’t find love. I think it’s because I can’t picture them having sex. How do they manage to get the parts together, with their bellies in the way?
Bachelor #6′s byline threatens: “I will find you.”
With those extra-wide glasses and long gopher teeth, munch munch munch, I’m suddenly afraid that he’s going to start stalking me. “I will find you”? Please don’t!
Bachelor #7′s byline states: “If you don’t read this profile, you’ll be kicking yourself later ;) ” (See the smiley face? It’s important.)
He kind of looks like a smiley face, and I don’t do well with perenially smiling people. He also looks like a lot of other guys I know (and don’t particularly like), so I’m pretty sure I know what kind of a personality he’ll have, but I don’t like kicking myself at any time – now or later – so I give his profile a quick read.Surprise! Every single sentence paragraph is punctuated with a smiley (or winky, or frowny) face, guiding the reader to the appropriate emotional reaction that the sentence is supposed to ellicit. For example, he likes going out to eat :) . Smiley face. That’s a happy thing. I should be happy about it, so I smile. <<SMILE.>>On the other hand, if his date likes “me time” he’s fine with that because she’ll have enough of it because he travels a lot for work :( . Ah, a frowny face. <<FROWN.>> Apparently, that’s not a good thing. He’s such a delight to be around that even a day without his company should make us all sad. It would only make me happy.

He seems like a bit of a control freak. My first instincts were correct. NEXT.

Bachelor #8 is looking for true love:
It looks like he found it in the mirror, with his phone.He’s very handsome, so he’s told, but we can judge that for ourselves. I will judge that for myself, and I judge that he’s not.
Bachelor #9 claims to be athletic and toned:
I guess he’s wearing an innertube under his shirt, then.
Bachelor #10 has a picture dated 2004.
It is now 2011; get with the program. More importantly, I just can’t get over the lady in the Bozo the Clown Wig. What the heck?

And there ends the parade, not a moment too soon. I hope you enjoyed it. I didn’t, expecially.

And so I remain, single, for another day.

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